thoughts from the road.

 

•WARNING: This post is long as hell and not checked for mistakes so this is your warning it might be a hot mess haha!

So it’s 7:30 AM as I write this. I’ll post it much later but I felt like writing a little bit now. We’re on our way back home to Virginia and driving down some tiny back roads in South Carolina. It’s raining, and getting colder so the fog is rising. It looks like something out of a horror movie.

I’m exhausted. It took almost five hours last night between my mom, grandma and myself to clean our condo and get ready to leave today. We got less than six hours of sleep and we’re supposed to stop in Richmond to visit a sick relative. It’s gonna be a long day. At least I’ll be tired by the time I get home. I can hit the hay and be ready to go back to reality at 6 AM tomorrow for work. I’m not ready at all to come back from vacation, but I’ve missed my kids and I’m excited to see them all. Plus it’s only a four day work week, so it’s not all that bad.

I won’t have another week long break until at least July. My school is year round except for a week in August which is kind of a bummer. I’m envious of my best friend who is an elementary school teacher. It’s times like these that make me consider going back to grad school to get my licensure and certification to teach older kids. But I have a fantastic job now. What would be perfect is more time off! 😂 I really shouldn’t complain. Over the course of a year I have 5 weeks off, which is way more than most people. I lucked out on this job for sure! It just always makes me sad to leave the beach and know I can’t come back whenever I want. My days of being a college student on long breaks are over forever, and I always think about that when I manage to get out of town for a little while. But it makes me appreciate my time here more, for sure.

Now that I’m on the road back home, I’m ready to just keep going and get into the swing of things. This coming week will be my last week of my normal diet. I plan on getting healthy groceries this weekend to kick start my resolution for this year (healthy body, mind, and soul). I have no willpower whatsoever when it comes to junk food but I am so ready to just feel good again. I gained a whole bunch of weight this past year because I was constantly stressed. When I’m stressed, I eat. And I eat comfort food. If only I ate healthy when I was stressed, where would I be now? 😂 The goal is to lose 40 pounds by July, when my friends and I are supposed to go back to the lake. Then I’ll reevaluate my diet and lifestyle- see what works, what doesn’t, change what I need to. I’m so determined this time, and I have a desire to become healthy. Before it was just about losing weight. Now it’s about changing my lifestyle and becoming a wholly healthy individual, starting from the inside out. I hope I can keep up with this motivation.

Another thing I want to do is keep a good thoughts jar. Last year at this time I became so depressed and dismal I lost motivation and love for life altogether. I want to do something this year to help me keep track of the good. So, every day this year I’ll try and write down a good memory or thought on a little piece of paper and put it in a jar. On New Year’s Eve I’ll go back into the jar and read what I wrote. This ties into the healthy mind thing- if I keep note of the positive, maybe the bad won’t seem so bad.

Of course this is super simple. I’m sure there will be days I won’t want to write anything at all. No year is completely perfect. But I’m going to try and keep better track of things. Maybe I’ll journal more and try to blog more. I plan on getting a camera, just a simple point and shoot, to vlog special occasions. One thing I always regret is not taking enough pictures or videos of important stuff, and maybe with a cute little camera (maybe the Canon N2?) I’ll be more inclined to do it! I’ve got some cool stuff lined up to do in 2017, I don’t want to miss it.

In the immediate future, I mean until February, I’m not doing too much. We have assessments for the kids this month and I’m nervous. I’ve heard it’s a lot of hard work and there will be face to face parent conferences. I love my parents that we have but I need to work on my interactions with some of them. And I need to keep track of the milestones our students should be able to meet. Some of them are pretty behind and that’s a little scary to me. But we’ll work on it. This’ll be a learning curve for me.

February 26 will be my 6th anniversary with my high school friends! Well, it’s been much longer than that. But that’s the day we got our group name- The Pack- and kind of established we’d all be stuck with each other forever. The last couple of weeks I’ve grown to love them all over again. Being away in college for 5 years I felt left out and kind of displaced, but I spent Christmas Eve with them and felt as though I’d never been away. Michelle is back in our lives as of this week as well and moving back home. She and I fell out of touch with each other after our freshman year, and she’s been in Tennessee since the summer so we haven’t heard from her at all. I guess with the New Year year coming up she wanted to start fresh and realized she missed us a lot. We missed her too! She spent NYE with the other girls and they sent me videos of them together. She’s so excited to be back in the thick of our friendship and it makes my heart so full. Since Molly left the group things haven’t been perfect, but they’ve been better. We’re stronger now and most people are blown away that we still call our best friends from high school our best friends. But even though things may have been fickle at times and I questioned my place with them, I’ve re-evaluated that since I’ve moved back home. I’m so glad they’re still in my life and so excited to celebrate our anniversary and the year ahead with them. 😊

In other news; I’m trying to see if I can get up to NYC again. The last time we went we took the bus and on the way back home I actually met a guy. 😅 the bus was full af and my sister and her boyfriend got a seat together. This guy saw me standing there like a deer in the headlights and told me I could sit next to him. The funny thing is we didn’t start talking until the last 30 minutes of the trip. I was a little grumpy and tired and slept most of the way. But towards the end we started talking and he added me on Facebook. I’ve been talking to him off and on since Thanksgiving and he wants to see me. He actually lives near-ish to me, so if I can get over my nerves I think we might go out. TRUTH TIME: I’ve never date anyone before- I’ve talked to people but never actually had a relationship with anyone. The closest I ever got to that was with Nathan last year (which blew up in my face smh) and then Cole and I were “talking” for a while before he got a girlfriend in his hometown. So I’m nervous. This guy is very clearly interested and I am too but I’m so shy and nervous and gahhh. So we’ll see how it goes. 2017 is looking interesting for sure! 🤗

Well this post is long as hell. I’ve been writing for 40 minutes! I just needed something cathartic to do after the stress of trying to get out of the condo this morning. Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone is reading this right now I hope you’re having a fantastic second day of the new year! We’ll chat later.

xoxo

Victoria

hello, 2017.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am writing this on my last night at the beach. As per usual we spent New Years down here and had a fantastic last day of vacation spent with family and friends! Tomorrow it’s back to Virginia and then Tuesday back to work. I honestly can’t believe my Christmas break is already over. It’s times like these where I really miss college-rather, the month long breaks that came during the winter.

I just wanted to write up a little something since it is the first day of 2017. Another year to start anew. I know they’re just dates in a calendar, but I was more than ready to say goodbye to 2016. It was one of the worst years, if not the worst, of my life. I’ve heard that from a lot of people. From here I can only have hope that 2017 will bring about change; peace, joy, and resolutions to some of the problems that 2016 brought my way. I’ve grown stronger because of them, but of course I’d have rather not gone through what I had to in order to get to this point. But such is life. It has its ups and it has its downs, and time stops for nobody. I can only pray that 2017 is the polar opposite of what just passed.

My goal for this past year was simple: to stand up for myself, not be such a pushover. I still have room to grow but I’ve gotten such a stronger backbone since this time last year. I’d say I succeeded. But I’ll continue to work on that into 2017. My personal health is something I’m working on for this coming year: emotional, spiritual, and physical. I want to change how I feel from the inside out and focus on myself. I need to come up with a tangible way of making this happen but I’ve let my self-care go to the wayside these past 6 months. I’ve been working hard and I’m proud of that but I’ve let work become the biggest factor in my life. I want that to change this year and focus on the other things: my family, my friends, making time to hang out with them more, and having me time. That seems hard to come by these days but I’ll try my best.

This is really just nutshelling everything I want to talk about, but I have to get up super early tomorrow. Maybe I’ll expound upon this stuff next weekend when I’m home from work. Maybe it’ll be another two weeks before I come back. I don’t know. But I wanted to have all this in writing, if only for myself.

If you’re still reading this, I hope you had a fantastic New Year celebration. I hope 2017 treats you with kindness and is full of wonderful opportunities for you. Thank you. We’ll talk soon.

xoxo,

Victoria

catching up.

Hello again!

Didn’t think I’d be posting again so soon but here I am! I’ve got some time to write at work while my kids are napping so I figured at the very least I would start a post.

Hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was as good as mine was! As I mentioned in the last post, my family came out from Wyoming to see us. They got here the day before Thanksgiving and left the Tuesday after. Thanksgiving itself was pretty good, but the real fun came that night when my mom, cousin, and me went out to do some Black Friday shopping. Yes, we are those people. We used to refuse to go out on Thanksgiving but after a few years of totally missing out on things we wanted to buy because we were too late, we caved in. And boy was it fun this year. Having my cousin here totally made it even more fun than usual. We left at 7 pm Thanksgiving night and arrived back at my house 2:30 pm the next day. That’s over 19 hours of shopping (and trying to catch a black cat in a McDonald’s parking lot- more on that later). It was fun but terribly exhausting.

The rest of Friday we just chilled out, started decorating our house for Christmas. It looks beautiful as always- I’ll try and post a few pictures sometime. Saturday was my cousins birthday so we went out to a local Mexican replace and my mom made her a Winnie the Pooh cake (a family classic). We stayed up to watch Interstellar (one of the best movies I’ve ever seen, please watch it). On Sunday we went to Mount Vernon for a tour and family photo shoot. Of course I’ve been many times having grown up 40 minutes from it, but never this time of year. It was beautiful seeing the house and grounds during Christmas. We had a lot of fun! After dinner we went home to decorate the tree while the men and my cousins little girl watched a couple movies. My cousin, sister and I stayed up until nearly two and STILL didn’t finish. I mean, it’s a twelve foot tree but still. I was hoping to just knock it out. 😂 Then Monday we decorated the yard and finished the tree, and got some baking and dinner in. I stayed up late teaching my cousin about all the social media accounts she got to keep up with all of us. It was fun but I wanted to die the next morning when I woke up at 6. In hindsight I should have taken Tuesday off as well, but I wasn’t thinking very well. It was a long visit but not long enough. It’s hard having people you love so much that you can only see every few years, if that. Before we went out to Wyoming a few years ago we hadn’t seen my cousin in 13 years. That’s a long time. Her boyfriend is applying for jobs out here though, so we will see what comes of that. They’re ready to leave Wyoming, and it would be awesome to have them here. Time will tell, I suppose.

Anyway, that’s some major nutshelling of how my Thanksgiving Break was. And now I’m sitting in class as my kids start to wake waiting for Christmas break. It can’t come soon enough! My birthday is this coming Sunday but I have to work Saturday so I can’t really go out and celebrate. Not that I would. I’d much rather spend the day at home but we’re watching our students for a few hours so their parents can go out and shop for Christmas presents. It’s a great thing to do but I have to be here at 9 and leave my house by 8 at least so I don’t even get to stay up late the night before or sleep in on Saturday. Kind of a bummer. I’ll go out for dinner on Sunday with my family though, so I do get to celebrate a bit. Then it’s back to work. Save me.

Also, I’m sick again so there’s that. So is my co-teacher so we’re both miserable and teaching and it sucks. We’re cooped in with the kids all day because it’s raining outside so that means no playground time and they’re driving us up the wall with their restlessness. They napped for a long time though so I can’t complain! But now they’re awake. Well half of them are. I better get the rest of them up.

Def didn’t check this for typos so I’m sure there are loads of embarrassing ones as I typed this on my iPad. Also I’m at home now… But still too lazy to proof read. OOPS. Oh well, enjoy anyway! ⭐️

xoxo

Victoria

a little (big) life update.

So, long time no see, again. It honestly doesn’t surprise me that I haven’t been on here since June. So much has changed since then, but mostly good things. But this this change came a lot of busyness and I haven’t really had time to stop and write. I know- in nearly 6 months I haven’t had the time or the willpower or the creative energy to sit in front of my computer and type. It sounds pitiful, but let me explain myself.

First things first: I got a job! A big girl job! In my degree field! I’m a preschool teacher at an academy near Washington DC. I work with some pretty cool ladies to teach some of the greatest kids I’ve ever met. I’ve been doing this since August (it’s nap time right now for them and I’m watching them sleep- hence this post haha). This job has amazing benefits (I get a free massage every couple months- hell yeah) including great vacation time and insurance plans, a 401k in the next few months, and of course the pay is fantastic. Now besides being a teacher, I’m busy with the boring stuff that’s part of being an adult. My biggest complaint is the commute- this place is 40 miles from my house but I take 95 North every day. So it takes me an hour and 20 minutes to get here at 9. Then I leave here at 6 pm, which usually puts me home at 7:30. And because I want to function like a normal human being to get up at 6 the next morning, I have to be in bed by 9:30. This has me out of the house for 12 hours. Those other 12 hours at home consist of me eating, showering, and sleeping. Maybe if I’m feeling up to it I stay up for 30 minutes to watch the news or whatever. So as you could probably assume, I live for the weekends, which are no longer chill like they used to be as I use those days to catch up on what I need to do when I’m out at work. It’s an exhausting cycle. I was sick for nearly 2 months straight. I’m getting over bronchitis and pneumonia (I had both. At the same time) now. But I truly love my job. My immune system is adjusting, and I’ve settled into things. Today is my three month mark, and while it’s exhausting I’m going to stay. I’ll be able to move up here next year, so my schedule will be so much better. In the meantime, I’m saving up and enjoying my last year at home with my parents.

Yes, the move back home went well. Fun fact: I almost pursued my on/off again dream of moving to New York City to be a receptionist (I know). I would have done it, had I not needed to start three days after I got the job offer. It freaked me out, the thought of uprooting my life so quickly and moving to an entirely different state away from my whole family. Which is part of the reason I came home. If the time ever comes for me to go to New York, I want to be able to brace myself for it and spend time with my family here. So I left. I don’t miss my college town as much as I thought I would. I haven’t been back since July but plan on going down there this weekend for our third annual Thankschristmas. I haven’t seen any of my friends there since July, but I don’t miss them like I thought I would. That sounds awful, but I really was anticipating some sort of separation anxiety. There’s been none. I’m not even all that excited to be going this weekend, but it’s been so long and I have no excuse so I figured it’s time. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to see them. I just need to get my lazy ass back down there, then I’ll be glad I went. That also sounds bad, but again: read about my schedule. I don’t even have time for myself on the weekends, haha! But that’s about to change.

Thanksgiving Break is next week. My family from Wyoming is flying out here to stay with us and I’m so excited! I haven’t seen them since we were out there nearly 3 years ago. They’ve never even been to our house in the 11 years we’ve been here. Some family time is long over due. My cousin is huge on Black Friday shopping like my mom and I, so we’re all gonna go together and I’m too hype! It’s gonna be so fun. Next month we are going to Williamsburg, my birthday tradition for the past 11 years. And then of course Christmas will be here, and the next day my family will be going down to the beach for a much needed New Years vacation.

I seriously can’t believe it’s already nearly time to start another year. I’m more than ready, though. 2016 has been the worst year in my living memory for personal reasons and just around the world overall. I think many people would agree. Between this God awful election, the unrest in our country for the entire year and afterwards, and the many tragic events that have happened, 2016 has been relentless in its cruelty. There have been some spots where it wasn’t all that bad. Like I said, I’m beyond grateful for this amazing job I have. My grandmother is still alive (we had yet another cancer scare- another reason I dislike 2016) and I get to see family I haven’t seen in years. We still have our health, our home, and our sanity. But I’m ready to say hello to 2017. I’m praying it treats us better. I don’t know about you but I physically cannot do another year like this past one.

There’s so much more I want to write. But now that I’m sitting here doing it, I seem to have forgotten. I’m going to have some time in the next month to write, which I want to do more of. I feel like I say this every time then disappear for months at a time. So no promises, but I’m going to try. Right now my kids are waking up from nap so I’ve gotta go get them ready for the rest of our day. Then I get to go home and enjoy my weekend. I hope that if you’ve stuck around and read this whole thing, you have a lovely weekend too. If not, still have a good weekend. I know I will!

xoxo,

Victoria

hello, it’s me…

WOAH. Heads up, this is a long post. And I didn’t proof read, so sorry for any typos.

Hello, there. Again. So, the last time I was on here was the first day of 2015. To be quite honest, I kind of forgot I even had a blog. Well, for a while I remembered. But other things happened, and I felt drained of any and all desire to keep up with things, and then I honestly did forget about this place. So, this is me remembering.

So much has changed since I made that post a year and a half ago. Can you believe we’re already over halfway through with 2016? Because I can’t. But I’m so ready for it to be done. I don’t know about you, but 2016 hasn’t been kind to me. It’s had it’s ups, but mostly it’s just been one constant down.

I just got back from visiting my grandparents in Arkansas. Which got me thinking about a lot. I’ve officially graduated from college. Yes, I was able to CLEP classes and take 18 credits- I busted my ass but I was able to walk with my friends like I wanted. No, I did not change my major again. I stuck with it. And I don’t regret the major I chose- there wasn’t much else that piqued my interest here at my college. I love working with kids. But it’s not like that’s what I’m actually doing. Like so many other young adults my age, I’m stuck in a job that has nothing to do with my major. I’m actually working at a barn. With horses. Which is something I’ve always wanted to do but I barely make any money.There are hardly any opportunities for growth in this town career wise, I don’t know why I ever fooled myself into thinking I should try and make things work here. I mean, I know why I did.

I was trying to stay here with my friends. But it’s not the same as it used to be. Shit really hit the fan when I attempted to get my masters degree. I’ve realized that’s just not my path. I hate school. I’m so tired of it. So I quit. I don’t know if that left a bad taste in my mouth, but ever since then things have just been different. I lived with Jolene and her sister Di for a year. And that was great until Jolene decided she wanted to up and leave the house I’d planned on staying in. So I didn’t renew the lease, and I didn’t want to pay month to month like she’s doing until she finds a new place to live. Only she thought that’s what I was going to do. And now she’s angry with me because she thinks I left her and her sister out to dry. I don’t know how much clearer I could have been with her about my intentions, but that’s Jolene for you. She only hears what she wants to hear, anything else just goes in one ear and out the other. And even though I know it’s not my fault, I still feel horrible about it. I had tried to make it work so that I’d get another job (HA!) and be able to live with her and the rest of the girls but that didn’t happen, so she also blames me for her not being able to live in the neighborhood she wanted to go too (“We waited too long for you”- even though I told her to forget about me).

I’m just over it. We talked about it. She claims it was just a communication issue- on my part. And things haven’t been the same since. I mean, they weren’t great before. She’s been harboring issues with me this entire semester, but has she told me? No. She told everyone else about it. Except me. And I had to piece this together for myself. Why am I busting my ass to stay in a town where there’s no room for career growth, and where my “friends” treat me like shit? Where I’m letting a minimum wage job tie me down from being able to see my family (whom I only get to see once a year)? When my parents dropped me off at my sisters apartment (where I was planning on staying until the lease is up in July) yesterday, I started bawling my eyes out. I’m not happy here, not like I was. I feel alienated from my friends. I miss my family and friends back home. I miss having a flexible schedule and living somewhere with a lot of opportunity. And maybe this is a part of growing up, but it sucks.

So I’ve made the decision to go back to Northern Virginia. I don’t even want to stay here until July. I want out now. If it weren’t for the job I have now, where I’m the only reliable worker, I would have been gone. It didn’t hit me until yesterday how much I truly am over living down here and trying to make this work. I mean, I wasn’t even out of town for a week. My entire family went out to Arkansas and came back in 6 days (it’s a two day drive each way) just so I could be back here and making a few bucks for a couple hours work. What the hell is wrong with that picture? It’s just not worth it anymore. This whole year I’ve been down here beyond my undergrad has been shitty. Maybe one day I’ll write about all that on here. But it’s just been getting progressively worse and I’ve been so desperate to hold on to what was that I’ve been fooling myself into thinking everything is okay. But it’s not okay. And that’s okay for me to admit. Nothing ever stays the same. I know that damn well. Living at home will not be like it used to be, for a whole host of shitty reasons. But at least I’ll be with the people I love and know they love me and appreciate me back. That’s not to say I don’t love my friends here, or even that they don’t love me. I know they still care. At least, I hope they do. But when I would rather stay at home alone than hang out with them, I think that’s an issue. Why try and hang on to that? What am I trying to prove? I feel no shame about going back home and living with my parents. I know that when I’m home, I’ll get a job that I actually like and make a hell of a lot more money than I ever could hope for down here. I have some semblance of a goal now, which I’ll get into another time, and the only way to make that happen is to save up some good money. I can do that at home.

But aside from the money, I think my mental health will be better at home. I’m praying it will be. I spent this whole year thinking I’d be happier down here. It took my until yesterday to realize my mental health is suffering just as badly, if not worse as I thought it would have been had I stayed home. My depression is back and rearing it’s ugly head, and of course there’s not really any particular reason as to why that’s happening but it is. For a long time it was gone, but this past year it’s come back in spurts, and with a vengeance. The last time I remember feeling this low was sophomore year. Back then I was struggling with my identity- who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, and what my purpose was. I suppose I thought a degree would help me figure all that out, but it hasn’t. I actually think I could have done without the degree, but that’s probably just doubt creeping into my head. Now I have the degree, but I don’t have the purpose, the identity, or the passion I thought that it would give me. That’s contributing greatly to how shitty I’ve been feeling, as well as circumstances back home and here with my friends.

I think what’s best for me now is to start thinking about what’s best for me. Put myself first for a change. Stop trying to please everyone else. Because while everyone else in my life are really great and can make me happy, they are not the sole contributing factor to my happiness. They’re not what makes me me. They’re not the ones who have to live with the choices I make every day of my life, I’m the one who has to do that. So it’s about time I start embracing that. And I don’t know exactly how to do it. But I can start with baby steps. And I think my first step will be going back home. I just need to get myself together and make that happen. It’s time for this chapter of my life to close, and another one to begin. I’m so ready for that to happen.

I’m not promising that I’ll be on here actively. I’m going to try, because writing is incredibly cathartic for me. And I’m not writing for anyone else, in fact I don’t expect anyone to have read this at all. And that’s perfectly okay with me. Perhaps I’ll write soon, perhaps not. Until next time.

-Victoria

 

bye bye 2014,

Just wanted to make one last post for 2014! This won’t be long at all- I’ll be lucky to muster a paragraph because I’m so exhausted. Me being the sentimental individual that I am, I wanted to send off 2014, which in all truthfulness, hasn’t been the best to me. At least, not the last few months. It’s been a rough year and I’m happy to see it go, for the most part. I’m hoping that 2015 will be much, much better. For me and for you! So, Happy New Year to you and yours! I’ll catch y’all next year!

xo